How do you recognize chronic patterns in relationships?

Human beings - the flagship social creatures are built with emotions and behavioural patterns that we gather during the course of our lives. All of us have – what we can simply call a Routine. It’s what we do every day – out of habit. As we traverse life, we come across various experiences which may consciously or subconsciously shape us – this comprises positive and negative influences.

For example, if a child grows up in a home where the parents constantly fight, they’ll grow up to be introverts who would keep silent to avoid conflict. Often they won’t realize the reason behind their behaviour and just accept it as how they are. Similarly, we form a lot of habits. Now not all habits are bad – as a child when our mothers tell us to recollect toys after playing helps us to learn organization skills as adults.

Sometimes the bad habits we develop as a child are usually a form of coping mechanism that we develop to protect ourselves. Ideally, these habits are supposed to go away as the threat goes away but sometimes, they stay with us and become a part of our routine – changing into maladaptive behavioural practices which are tough to let go of.

Have you ever felt as if you’ve constantly fallen for the wrong man/woman? Have you felt that you have a certain habit that is evident in every relationship you get into? Does the same things bother you in different relationships? – Take a minute to think about it before you read ahead.

When it comes to relationships, our relationships as adults are greatly influenced by the bonds we shared with our parents and care givers as a child. Our behavior is thus a manifestation of our past experiences, dating back to childhood. Often, children who saw domestic violence in their home turn out to be adults who becomes abusers or may develop Stockholm Syndrome wherein they develop positive feelings towards getting abused as a coping mechanism and stop seeing abuse as a harm/ something which they need t break through from.

Another channel of learning such patterns is through dating in adolescence and early adulthood. As kids, our minds are pretty naïve and we often find ourselves changing to ‘better fit’ the desires of our loved ones. It could be as simple as getting a haircut or something as grave as disconnecting with our families. Sometimes, even when those partners leave, the emotional damage that they’ve done – stays. You become this changed person, farther from your true self and your beliefs. These type of chronic patterns may be evident in any form of relationship like parent-child, teacher-student, husband-wife, friends, siblings etc.

All of this can de damaging to your personal wellbeing – leaving you feeling detached, lost and hopeless – since you start taking the blame on yourself without realizing the cause of it. To help you, we’ve listed some signs that’ll help you recognize these patterns in your relationships, and correct time in time.

·      You/Your partner repeat habits from old relationships which hampers with you building a safe and secure relationship

For instance, imagine you had a relationship in the past where your partner used to check your phone. On confrontation, they used to make you believe that it’s all in good faith and over a period of time it stopped annoying you and you imbibed that habit. Now in your current relationship, you still continue to check your partner’s phone because your brain has learnt that it’s not a bad habit but such behavior might be negatively impacting your current relationships.

·      You/Your partner has a time limit – your relation usually lasts 2, 4 or 6 months

Do you feel as if you’re trying too hard to make a relationship work and yet nobody is ‘perfect enough’ for you? Have you ever felt that even after you giving it your all every single time, people still leave you – without understanding you?

Well maybe it’s a good time now to think if maybe you are the problem – now this might sound offensive and unhelpful but often we’re so used to our habits and we can never see what’s wrong with them. Sometimes we give people we love what ‘we need’ without thinking what they might need. In love, it is always important to listen to your partner and their needs.

·      You/Your partner have the same argument in different relationships

Each of us has our own triggers – which may make us argue with people, dislike them, feel frustrated/angry or just make us feel trapped in ‘toxic relationships.’ However, sometimes these triggers arise from deep rooted trauma/ issues and until you’ll communicate it with your loved ones, it’s like an elephant in the room which remains unaddressed and create rifts & differences in relationships. 

·      You/Your partner are reluctant to make sacrifices

Being in a relationship inevitably requires making sacrifices by both the partners. It’s difficult if you want to live your bachelor life and be in a committed long-term relationship at the same time. Relationships require many sacrifices, even if they are small ones which might not have a huge impact. However, some sacrifices are bigger- like for example, being in a monogamous relationship might be usual for some but can be a huge sacrifice for others. It’s thus important to make sensible agreements with each other that are in line with each other's wishes, comfort and needs, even if they conflict with your own. If you have agreed to let each other know when you will be late, you cannot just stay out without letting the other know. If you used to go out partying every weekend, but the other person doesn't like parties at all, find a middle ground. It may not always feel good to have to give up some of your independence. But just affirm yourself that these small things mean nothing in front of the beautiful life you and your partner might have together.

·      You/Your partner bottle up your emotions and don’t share with each other

A relationship is more than just going for dates, surprising one another, posting selfies together! True love/ companionship is when the both of you understand each other, support each other and can be your true self with each other as well. Every human – be it you, me or absolutely anyone has amazing qualities but we also have flaws – and as partners it’s our duty to accept each other’s flaws and that requires a person to leave their masks behind and show their true selves to each other. A simple exercise to practice this in your relationship is to be there for each other no matter what – make the other person feel heard, seen, acknowledged and loved. A prerequisite for that to happen is to share your emotions. We humans often bottle up our emotions because we fear what the other person might think/feel, we fear being judged/ being questioned. Of course not everyone will understand you in the first go, maybe you might have some conflict also – but until you don’t trust each other and open up – a healthy and stable relationship shall remain a dream.

I’ll share a story – Imagine two people, Rohit and Anjana who have been married for 20 years, and love each other dearly. Rohit has a pattern of feeling great anxiety and fear when he feels like he’s letting Anjana down. And if they’re in a circumstance where she is feeling disappointed, she’ll express her hurt and he goes into total fear and anxiety response. Then in response to that, he tries desperate attempts to please her, and to make amends, and promises the world to her - but all of them are things that he can’t actually do. So it’s this negative setup that he’s promising things that he can’t actually fulfill, and then basically she doesn’t know what to trust. Such vicious cycles are common with relationship and hurt you and your partner both.

It is common to see such patterns in the relationships around us. The good thing though is that these patterns once identified can be corrected – it might take sometime but with the right approach you can revisit the causing factors and move past them. Often, the person might find it difficult to identify, troubleshoot and reclaim the lost stance by themselves in such situations it is always advisable to consult a mental health professional. With the help of a professional you can learn to ‘unlearn’ the maladaptive behavior that you’ve learnt over the years. Through unlearning, one can start their journey towards Individuation, a term coined by Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung. Individuation is the process of finding one’s true self that is underneath the layers of one’s social identity and believes by incorporating their conscious and unconscious mind. The process of unlearning allows one to adapt to change easily. Unlearning makes one believe in endless possibilities that life has to offer as compared to those taught to him/her by society.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION WITH YOURSELF

 
ARE YOU A SELF-TALKER?

HAVE YOU BEEN TOLD ITS NOT A GOOD HABIT?  OF COURSE, MOST OF US HAVE HEARD THIS.

 
Well, I don’t think anyone would disagree that effective communication is probably key to connect or relate to other people. But what about having a dialogue or communication with yourself?
 
Talking to yourself isn’t just something for which people get labeled as nuts or insane and do get sent for therapy often. 
 
But how do you talk to yourself? Do you criticize yourself for making mistakes? Do you play the ‘shoulda-woulda-coulda’ game with yourself? Do you work yourself into a nervous frenzy by worrying about what ‘could’ go wrong or what ‘could’ have happened, perhaps even talking to yourself in an abusive or nagging tone? Maybe even asking yourself redundant questions?
 
Self-talking is beautiful. It’s a connection we all should have. One should listen to their inner voice and understand oneself. 
 
Developing effective ways of communicating well with yourself is an imperative aspect of overall health and happiness. So, how do we make it better?

 
A. QUALITY QUESTIONS ARE THE ANSWERS 

Ask positive questions while having self-talk. 
As an example, when you want to talk to someone you’d like to get to know; Often people say things in their heads like: ‘What if he rejects me?’ ‘What if I walk up to her and can’t think of anything to say?’ ‘What if I look like an idiot?’
 
Now, if you engage in this kind of conversation where the focus is on negative emotions, it is most likely that you will be paralyzed because of self-doubt and even if you would have been able to do better - you will not be. 
So, if you do this - STOP IT.
 
The quality of the questions you ask yourself determines not only the quality of the answers you get but the quality of your state of mind, and ultimately the quality of your life.
 
Some might argue that asking yourself negatively focused on ‘what if’ questions are a better way of being prepared and protecting yourself. But I would put the following statement to you instead:
“Focusing on positive results is the only way to get positive results.”
 
Positive questions will not only give positive results but will also result in a positive state of mind that will have you get off your butt and take action! Or at least feel good. And feeling good (vibrationally speaking) is the precursor of attracting more good stuff to feel good about. 
 

B. POWER OF YOUR NAME 
Say your name. “Use your first name and say, for example, “Aditya, you can do this. It’s only a test, and you have taken dozens of them before.” Studies suggest that speaking in the third person creates a kind of mental distance that allows for more objectivity, and, therefore, more rational self-support to occur.
 
Research has found that people who use their own name rather than “I” when engaging in positive self-talk are actually more supportive and encouraging to themselves.
 

C. PRACTICE MINDFULNESS
 Knowing how we feel when we think of something in the present is important because that does impact our lives in the longer run. When you tune in to the present moment, you can access exactly how you are feeling or what you are thinking. Mindfulness helps you do this without judging what you are experiencing, allowing you to communicate openness and acceptance to yourself.
 
Got the idea? 
Acceptance is the key and we need to be honest with ourselves first before being honest with the people around us. Encourage yourself to be that positive and honest force and then see the change. 
 
Love 
Arouba

Pregnancy and Pilates: Amazing Prenatal Exercise

When I get a call from a pregnant lady and wants to do some prenatal exercises with me, they ask me for Prenatal Yoga and I suggest that we can do a combination of prenatal yoga and Pilates. The next question comes, What is Pilates and How will it help me in pregnancy? Is it safe? Have you done it before for any pregnant ladies? And on and on... So all you my lovely people over there, Please read it carefully and understand that Pilates could be your new exercise friend forever. 

I understand you have not heard of it much and your friends or you might have done prenatal yoga before for relaxing your mind and body during pregnancy but then some say its boring too and they fall to sleep easily while doing it. So I suggest pilates because it has movement and it increases the interest of a person in the class. It keeps your mind and body connection alive.  

Yoga and Pilates offer similar benefits but Pilates is more about the core muscle strengthening which can reduce the complaints of backache during pregnancy and after giving birth. Abdominal muscles are strengthen, hence reduces the chances of flab around your belly later on. Pilates offer a customized prenatal exercises to meet individuals needs. 

The exercises are focused on the abdominals, back and pelvic floor muscles, which are very important when it comes to childbirth. Pregnancy Pilates focuses on balance, strength and coordination. It works on keeping the muscles throughout the body - upper body, lower body and abdominal area - strong, toned and connected to the core so as to reduce pregnancy aches and pains and help speed up postnatal recovery.

I offer combo of pilates and yoga to my clients as I find both of them very beneficial. But its completely upto to an individual what kind of fitness regime is she looking forward to or prefer. Since we work here more around the core muscles and alignment correction, clients who have been yoga lovers all their life prefer pilates instead of yoga later on as they feel yoga is good for stretching and flexibility but Pilates provide them strength and support in that very different period of their life and they are glad to have found pregnancy pilates in their city. 

Why not yoga and pilates together and why choose. Lets have both and lets enjoy these customized sessions at Enso Wellness studio. 

 

Be Yourself

So she asks me, "You don't look like you teach yoga & meditation?"

At first I frowned but then realized that it was a compliment.
She told me that she’d tried classes before but felt intimidated because instructors had a certain look that didn’t match hers. She
could not relate to it. She thought yogi's were different. 
She said she liked the fact that I look like a “regular person”
(her words) because that made her want to come to my class.

And if You, being so
regularly looking (Smiling), could practice it why cant I? 

I looked at my feet- pedicured & wearing transparent nail polish thought- Oops!
Weren't I suppose to put this on? Were I expected to wear some particular attire which I am not? ;-)

:-) Yoga and meditation is not being able to stand on your head or being thoughtless for hours but It's being yourself. Healthy, fit, non-judgemental. Love, embrace, and pursue those things that feed our spirits, which connects us with ourselves, gives us peace and wholeness. Those are what make us and our spirituality. Its not about clothes, it's not about how ordinary you look. It has nothing to do with your attire. You can relax on your couch and meditate.

Confused what to eat? Eat seasonal food & vegetables.

It must be difficult to absorb but one of the best and easiest way to keep your taste buds happy along with all the requirement of nutrients is to prefer seasonal food.

Why should one eat seasonal food?

Healthy and nutritious

Seasonal food is healthy. Grown on right time. It has all the required nutrients in it. No refrigeration, not much chemicals put- makes it safe and healthy. 

No boredom

Lots of variety. For example radish,turnips, spinach, citrus fruits etc are available in the winter and supplies all the nutrients required to our body in this season and likewise peaches, cucumber, more of greens like peas, beans etc in summers. 

Less expensive

Though everything nowadays is so expensive that we think twice before we want to buy anything but let this not affect our fruits and veggies. When produced locally in the season, it gets less expensive. Packaged food is always expensive & tasteless.

Better taste

When food is not grown locally and has been brought seal packed from somewhere and in fact grown before the time, with all those result oriented chemicals, it affects the taste. Compare the taste of freshly pasted garlic at home and garlic paste bought from a store. More the moisture is lost in our food, it looses flavor & nutritional value.